What is True Love?

My heart is heavy today. My mind is clouded. For me, there's nothing in life worth more than love. Love of family, of friends, of children, and then there's the other love.... the love you share the deepest most personal parts of yourself with. That love that transcends time, that fills the hollow and hurt places of your heart, and that can make you feel like your invincible. You can't buy it. You can't manipulate it. You can't fake it. And, contrary to what doubt would make us feel, we are all entitled to it. We all have rights to it.

I believe that I'm at a crossroads in my life. I have several different paths that are available to me. Each road has turns, dips, and distractions along the way that make it impossible for me to see the end. So, if I'm the author of this story, which road do I take? I can't let someone else decide for me. It's not their book. What kind of story do I want? I know the answer to that.

DEFINITION: WHAT IS LOVE???

Love is trust.
Love is honesty.
Love is security.
Love is safety.
Love is passion.
Love is obsession.
Love is laughter.
Love is compassion.
Love is service.
Love understands.
Love forgives.

I will refine myself to be exactly what it is that I want because the reward is priceless.

A Father's Help

The young toddler explores. His father watches him without taking his eyes off him for a moment, knowing that the child is entering a potentially dangerous scenario. He allows the young boy to experience the danger just enough to teach him a lesson. Yet, the father is close enough to step in and stop it before it can do any permanent damage or hurt. When the boy reaches that point that he needs help, his father QUICKLY steps in.

I have wandered off the path that leads to happiness and the Lord. I let go of the "iron rod" and got lost in that vast darkness for a time. When I realized that I was lost, that I was scared, that it was dark, I called out to my Heavenly Father to help me. I told Him I didn't know where I was, that I'm alone, and don't know how to find my way back. I asked Him to take my hand and lead me back to safety. He loves His children so much that He will allow them to experience the hurt, but when it becomes more than His children can bear, He will pick them up and carry them to safety. I have a testimony of this.

One of my weaknesses is that I am an "all or nothing" type of person. If I'm not doing everything right, I feel like there's no use in trying. Every small positive effort we make is one step closer to that which we are seeking, no matter how small the effort. We must have faith that if we continue to try to do our part and give it the best effort that we can, He will do the rest.

Letting Go and Letting God

My heart is breaking. "Letting go and letting God" is easier said than done. Regardless of how difficult this task of "letting go" is, it must be done if I'm going to be happy.

Today is moving day. I'm starting my new life. As I'm packing up the remainder of my things and getting ready to walk out the front door, I'm reflecting on the past. It seems that only two or three months ago my life revolved around my best friend and lover. Now, it revolves around My God, my children, and myself. It was said to me that you should NEVER love anyone more than God. I'm going to take that statement to another level... You should never rely on anyone more than God. I have spent my entire life relying on people to take care of me and carry me through. Today, I count on God. He places people in our paths to assist us, but ultimately it is Him who will sustain and build us. It is Him who will take care of us.

I'm searching for the right words to express here. This blog has become a strength for me. I pray before I write and ask for the words that will inspire and give strength. I love all of you, but I blog for me. I have often come back to these posts and found strength in the words that God has spoken to me. Right now, I pray to you Heavenly Father for inspiration. I pray that I will say the things that will give me courage, hope, peace, and love. I will clear my mind and let Your words flow through me...

Jess, you have a strength that you don't recognize. You are surrounded by people and angels who love you. You have never been alone. Even in your darkest hours, you have been carried and loved. You have gifts of the Spirit to share with others. You have a compassion and love for all that you will build upon. Because of the love you possess for others, you have the ability to make your mark in this life. You will be able to look back on your life and be proud. You are a divine, virtuous, and VALIANT daughter of God. Note that last word... YOU ARE VALIANT!

Jess, remember. Remember where you've been. Remember what you've overcome. Remember the miracles of God throughout your life. Look back on the past, seeing things through God's eyes. Has He ever left you alone? The answer to that is an ABSOLUTE NO!!! From the day you were born, there is evidence of His presence and guidance. He has opened doors for you that no earthly being could. He has blessed you with incredible parents, friends, children, family, and your rock... Your Father. When you feel like everyone has left or abandoned you, remember your dad. Remember that people will come and go, but your father and your Father in Heaven will always be there. There is nothing that you could do for them to leave you. And... there are two more who have entered into your life, placed there by The Father, to show you and help you understand unconditional love and happiness... Jackson and Rachel. Many wonderful people have been placed in your life to give strength, help build your character, and bring happiness to your soul. Recognize those people as gifts from God and appreciate the time that you've had to spend with them.

Move forward with Faith and Hope. You know that happiness awaits you. You know that you will enjoy life. Look at the miracles that have taken place just in the last 4 months. You are clean. You are clear minded. You have moments of pure happiness now that you've never experienced before.

What things in your life give you Godly happiness?... Your children, your friends, your family, music, laughter, and God. You will come out of this the best version of Jessica. You will be renewed. Rebuilt. Think of the promises that God has made you within the last two months. Remember and reflect on those sacred promises. HE WILL NOT PROMISE YOU SOMETHING AND CHANGE HIS MIND! He promised. Have Faith in those promises.

You have experienced in these past few months, love. One of the greatest loves that you've discovered is the love you've developed for yourself. You no longer need to hate yourself. You no longer need to carry this guilt and shame. You can take that self love that God has blessed you with and share it with others. Be proud of who you are.

It's time to Let Go and Let God. Put your hand in His and let Him lead you into exaltation.

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And never bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

Coincidence or God?

This morning, I was texting Randy to ask him if he remembered a certain girlfriend of mine from 13 years ago. Her and I recently reconnected. As it turns out, she's been through a divorce too. I'm texting this information to Randy and telling him how odd it is that I've reconnected with so many friends that I've lost touch with over the years and that every single one of these friends has experienced what I'm going through. As I'm telling Randy this, something became crystal clear to me. This IS NOT a coincidence!

When I first found out about the divorce I went and got a priesthood blessing from someone near and dear to me. He said to me that "I wouldn't be left alone through this".

My dear friends who have experienced grief and loss... Sarah, Marianne, Darcy, Dedra, Denae, Hannah, Alex, Scott, Sean, Jamie, Danny, Jeremy, Larry, Buffy, Dad, Elaine, and Kaci: You are Angels sent here from my Father in Heaven to carry me in my darkest hours. No pressure!
:-)

God must really love me.

Ride the wave...

I FEEL FANTASTIC!!! I was driving down the road today with the biggest smile on my face... and it was sincere. I am TRULY happy right now. I think that I've gotten through the toughest patch. I know that there will be more challenges to face, but that's just part of life. I don't really care about tomorrow. I'm happy today and that's all that matters to me. The sun is shining, the sky is perfectly blue, I am healthy, my kids are healthy, and God is blessing me with incredible gifts right now. I'M JUST GOING TO RIDE THIS WAVE INTO SHORE! The view from here looks great!

Drowning

The current is strong. The current is negative. It fights to pull me down to the bottom of the water. It has incredible strength. It is difficult to resist it's power. It has the ability to take a life. But, here's the beauty... I have a body and a mind to help me keep swimming. I can fight the current. And, when I lose the strength to keep swimming, I have a lifeguard who can immediately jump in and save me. It becomes my responsibility to reach for his arm and grab on.

Remember this... Your choices in life, good or bad, DO NOT define who you are! Who you are is a creation of an everlasting, loving, perfect Heavenly Father who created you out of PURE love.